This is my story:
I used to be that girl who ate whatever she wanted without a care in the world. I used to be that girl who didn’t look at their body and feel ashamed. And I used to be that girl who listened to their body and felt happy in their self. At age 10 that all changed.
At age 10 I turned to diet culture. At age 10 I turned to being worried about what I ate, what I looked like, and how I fit into my clothes that I no longer fit into. But little did I know I was just a little girl who didn’t know anything about the real meaning of “health” and kept on an exhausting cycle. At age 10 I grew out of my first pair of pants and stepped on a scale. At age 10 I saw that number and wondered “why”. But little did I know, that number didn’t EVEN MATTER.
At age 12 I found exercise. It’s so sad how a beautiful thing can turn into something so ugly. At age 12 I started working out for fun but gradually turned into a chore. At age 13 I found myself different from others, wanting to change my appearance. But little did I know my appearance doesn’t DEFINE ONE THING ABOUT ME. My worth doesn’t come from appearance EVER. At age 13 I found calorie counting, but little did I know how much a toll that would do to me. Calories are energy and decreasing your energy doesn’t do you any GOOD.
At age 14 I got help. Frustrated, confused, and angry. Wondering “why do I need help?” At age 14 I went to therapy; ashamed and sad. But little did I know I was doing the best thing I could’ve done for myself. At age 14 1/2, lying to myself, going down a rabbit hole no one knew, not even myself. Spiraling into a hole of nothing. At age 15 I fought, I fought my ED. I didn’t want to live like this. I was cold, mean, unsocial, and not myself one bit. I was scared of things I love now. I was scared of peanut butter, bread, pizza, pasta, and the list goes on but I didn’t want to live like this.
At age 15 I took things serious. I wanted my life back. Yes, I was scared of weight gain, what people would think of me, and change but those fears would NEVER win against getting my life back. I found joy in people, myself, exercise, and most importantly food. I found a part of myself I didn’t even know existed. I found a part of myself that wasn’t cold 24/7, moody, scared of food, and not ashamed of myself. At age 15 I found that girl again. That girl who can eat whatever the hell she wants without a care in the world and not feel guilty about it. That girl who can enjoy exercise without pushing myself to far. And that girl who looks at their body and thinks “I’m a fighter and I’m proud of this body of mine”.
Now that I’m 16, I’m the same girl but with a different mindset. A lot can change in a year and I want this year to be full of new discoveries on things that I missed out on when I was deep down in my ED. Recovering was/is the BEST THING I’VE EVER DONE FOR MYSELF and I never go a day without being grateful for it. Taking that one step to recovery can change your entire life. Last year on my birthday I was a completely different person, scared to have that charcuterie board in my face and desserts surrounding me but now I am PROUD TO SAY….I’m no longer that scared girl anymore. I ate with joy, a happy tummy with delicious and nourishing foods inside it. I ate without seconds thoughts and stayed present in the moment.
You never know what’s going on with someone when you only see what’s on the outside. I’m not perfect and I’ll never be perfect and I’m TOTALLY ok with that. Life is a big story filled with crazy plot twist but we’ll make it out if we keep fighting.
-Kylee Kern
a friend,
inspiration,
and fighter.